Is there any evidence to support the phenomena of witchcraft in Salem? You might be surprised by the answer.

June 27, 2011 at 2:31 am (Uncategorized)

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After finding out that there may not have actually been witches in Salem in the late 1600s (or at all for that matter), Karen and I (Becky) were left with deep feelings of melancholy and disappointment. To remedy these emotions we decided to investigate for ourselves whether or not real witches existed in Salem, or if it was all just a ploy to lure hapless tourists to part with their hard-earned coin on things such as fortunes and cheesy photographs. We hit the streets of downtown Salem to see if we could detect the presence of real witches for ourselves.

Our first stop was one of the many witch shops luring passers-by with a sign for fortune-telling. After purchasing a full seven and a half minutes worth of psychic reading from Tituba, the fortune-teller (*names have been changed to protect the innocent). Karen was spirited away down a haunted house corridor that led to a small room for foretelling the future. After she set the kitchen timer for seven and half minutes, Tituba proceeded to ask Karen her name and her profession. She informed the psychic that she was a teacher. Tituba then went on to foretell that Karen would change careers and become a healer. She also told Karen that the spirits desired for her to spend more time in the mountains (this was after Karen revealed she was from Colorado), and repeatedly informed Karen that she simply needed to go with the change and have fun with it. Then the timer rang and the reading was abruptly concluded.

After leaving the shop feeling like we had acquired no information whatsoever, we noticed a photography shop complete with a vast array of witch costumes. That’s when we came to the brilliant conclusion that if we wanted to find witches we needed to become witches to blend in and infiltrate local covens or attract witches to us and earn their trust. After adorning authentic witch-wear, we discovered a Spellbook for Dummies, and quickly taught ourselves divination and other such spells. It was written in a cryptic language and it was difficult to determine what exactly we were conjuring. The first spell, unbeknownst to us, was about birds because just then an ominous omen occurred in the form of a large black crow. I should have stopped reading immediately, because the seemingly innocent crow suddenly freaked out and started to attack Karen’s face. It was a scene right out of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds. Fortunately, I was able to eventually find the countermagic spell to cease the attack….but it took a few minutes to work. Sorry about your ear, Karen. Hearing is overrated.

Since the spellbook did not seem to be guiding us toward witches, we decided to use the crystal ball we had purchased earlier from a souvenir shop. However, we had found the crystal ball on a clearance table and as it turned out it was only a Crystal Magic Eight Ball. After several replies of try again, try again later, and reply hazy, we gave up in disgust. That’s when we hunted down the souvenir shopkeeper, and when he refused to refund our money on the defected ball, we boiled him in our cauldron. How were we suppose to know all sales were final on clearance items!!? Had the crystal ball worked we would have known.

Anyway, we were having no luck finding witches on land, so we snatched up a broom from the dorm hospitality room and took to the skies. We were enjoying our flight over the skies of Salem when all of a sudden, the crow had returned with vengeance in mind. It was after us. Although Karen attempted many evasive manuevers to shake the avian menace, it took my newly acquired spell casting to send the crow plummeting to his doom. Being new to flying, as we took a moment to celebrate our victory over the crow, we momentarily lost control of the broom and nearly descended to the earth ourselves. However, we regained control and celebrated joyously our success. It was at that moment that we converted to our newfound religion of witchcraft and became what we had sought all along, Salem witches. Upon landing, we were immediately offered teaching positions to instruct in spell-casting and basic broom aviation at the ACME Witchcraft Academy in Swampscott, MA. If you are ever on a grant trip to the Swampscott area, look us up in the faculty directory.